last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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