i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
