My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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