So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
