why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
