In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
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