Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
