My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
