I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
