thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
