Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
