listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
