We're facebook friends in real life
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
