I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
And the cops told us we were all naked.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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