if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
