Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
