I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
