hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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