Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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