I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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