New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
