My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
