if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
