You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
