in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
