you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
