My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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