Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
