my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
