I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
