Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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