I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
