i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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