I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
