mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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