Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
