Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
