She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
