Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
