His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize