Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
