i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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