So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
