Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
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