so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
