Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
