You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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