My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
