I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
