I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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