One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
