So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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