i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
