She's JV to your varsity
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
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