I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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